Monday, May 2, 2011

Trying to hang on- this will probably not make sense to you but it's helping me

This thread we are hanging on is getting pretty thin. Just when I've thought "OK we're doing good. We can do this." something comes and slaps us across the face. 

I recently have chosen to let it go. There's no such thing as a free lunch. That's life. 

So what now? Just keep moving forward. Trying not to shut down. Learning to care about me and mine first. There is a healthy way to do that. I'm looking for it. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

People get ready - aka reality bites

I'm Ready. Ready to blog. Ready to speak. Ready to tell.

Tomorrow will mark us being in B.C for 3 months. We've moved enough times to know that there's something about the 3 month mark. Something magical?? Maybe not, but definitely something.

When Ryan, Silver (5 months old) and I moved to Winnipeg we spent our first 3 months living with a friend. It was a bit of a crazy time. Ryan worked nights, Silver cried a A LOT and I don't know if I ever had a shower that whole time.....I'm sure I must have. But no matter how stressful it was we always had a plan, a DREAM, something to work towards. Around the 3 month mark we moved into our own place, Ryan started school and Silver started walking (kinda). Things were on the right track. We had begun living our dream. What was the DREAM you ask..... getting an Education which meant living as poor students and suffering through years and years of shuffling school,work(many jobs between us), kids and holding our marriage together. We hoped for Ryan to one day come out with a Degree and begin a fulfilling life of molding the minds of the worlds youth while supporting our little family and paying back thousands in student loans. Well that was the DREAM at least.

School ended, the Degree was gotten and our whole world changed. We had lived so many years without family around that we always knew we wanted that closeness and so made the choice to go and get it. This was the best decision for our family at the time. We made a good choice. We moved again.

The first 3 months we spent adjusting to a whole new world. New people, places and things. New weather, new clothes, new (to us) culture. A world of NEW. There were some tears and moments of fear for all of us. But we had a plan, a DREAM, something to work towards. To live in a place where Ryan could use the education he had worked so hard for and be close to some family. We knew we had chosen a life that would 'pay' us little but that's alright when you have a DREAM and a plan. At the 3 month mark we were used to the heat (kinda), the kids knew their extended family and we were getting a hold of "how things worked".

East Coast
Fastforward. Another move. This time to a place where we thought we could live out at least part of that DREAM and Ryan could make use of that Education and we could live a simple but full life on little. The first 3 months were spent in a panic. Finding a place to live and to work. Trying to build some kind of support system and be a support to others. Trying to make the best choices for our family. Once we hit the 3 month mark things were looking Up Up Up! The kids were in school and making fast friends (not without hiccups). Jobs (not great ones) were in place and would help us to continue our journey and work toward that DREAM.  Good friends for Ryan and I were in place (Great friends).

West Coast
The NOW. Tomorrow the 3 month mark. I know it won't be the same as the other 3 month marks we had. We don't have a DREAM right now. I am waiting for the next kick in the teeth moment when we need to reinvent ourselves again. We don't really have something we are working towards or dreaming about. Oh Ryan loves his job don't get me wrong. I just started one too and so far so GREAT. But there is something very different this time around. Hope is missing. It's hard to DREAM when you have lived through some pretty DREAM busting times. We feel like failures who haven't made the choices some others would have. What we worked toward for so many years seems wasted. While others were working and building up a business or being trained AND paid are so far ahead of us. Yeah I KNOW it's not a competition....... We are NOT the only people in North America who are living through the same thing. Years of school only to find you can't get a job. So MORE school??? Or start at level zero somewhere and just take the years to at least get paid and work your way Up Up Up??

Starting tomorrow
I am going to be more selfish. More selfish with my time, energy and thoughts. I'm going to continue to know who I am and although I may not know at this time What I Want, I will love my life and the unknown future. I will try and help my children see the world through my eyes, their own and others. I will love my neighbours and help those in need. I am not going to give into my fears because a life filled with fear is full of emptiness. I will work towards having a  DREAM again, because a life without a DREAM is no life for me...... or YOU.