Tuesday, March 8, 2011

People get ready - aka reality bites

I'm Ready. Ready to blog. Ready to speak. Ready to tell.

Tomorrow will mark us being in B.C for 3 months. We've moved enough times to know that there's something about the 3 month mark. Something magical?? Maybe not, but definitely something.

When Ryan, Silver (5 months old) and I moved to Winnipeg we spent our first 3 months living with a friend. It was a bit of a crazy time. Ryan worked nights, Silver cried a A LOT and I don't know if I ever had a shower that whole time.....I'm sure I must have. But no matter how stressful it was we always had a plan, a DREAM, something to work towards. Around the 3 month mark we moved into our own place, Ryan started school and Silver started walking (kinda). Things were on the right track. We had begun living our dream. What was the DREAM you ask..... getting an Education which meant living as poor students and suffering through years and years of shuffling school,work(many jobs between us), kids and holding our marriage together. We hoped for Ryan to one day come out with a Degree and begin a fulfilling life of molding the minds of the worlds youth while supporting our little family and paying back thousands in student loans. Well that was the DREAM at least.

School ended, the Degree was gotten and our whole world changed. We had lived so many years without family around that we always knew we wanted that closeness and so made the choice to go and get it. This was the best decision for our family at the time. We made a good choice. We moved again.

The first 3 months we spent adjusting to a whole new world. New people, places and things. New weather, new clothes, new (to us) culture. A world of NEW. There were some tears and moments of fear for all of us. But we had a plan, a DREAM, something to work towards. To live in a place where Ryan could use the education he had worked so hard for and be close to some family. We knew we had chosen a life that would 'pay' us little but that's alright when you have a DREAM and a plan. At the 3 month mark we were used to the heat (kinda), the kids knew their extended family and we were getting a hold of "how things worked".

East Coast
Fastforward. Another move. This time to a place where we thought we could live out at least part of that DREAM and Ryan could make use of that Education and we could live a simple but full life on little. The first 3 months were spent in a panic. Finding a place to live and to work. Trying to build some kind of support system and be a support to others. Trying to make the best choices for our family. Once we hit the 3 month mark things were looking Up Up Up! The kids were in school and making fast friends (not without hiccups). Jobs (not great ones) were in place and would help us to continue our journey and work toward that DREAM.  Good friends for Ryan and I were in place (Great friends).

West Coast
The NOW. Tomorrow the 3 month mark. I know it won't be the same as the other 3 month marks we had. We don't have a DREAM right now. I am waiting for the next kick in the teeth moment when we need to reinvent ourselves again. We don't really have something we are working towards or dreaming about. Oh Ryan loves his job don't get me wrong. I just started one too and so far so GREAT. But there is something very different this time around. Hope is missing. It's hard to DREAM when you have lived through some pretty DREAM busting times. We feel like failures who haven't made the choices some others would have. What we worked toward for so many years seems wasted. While others were working and building up a business or being trained AND paid are so far ahead of us. Yeah I KNOW it's not a competition....... We are NOT the only people in North America who are living through the same thing. Years of school only to find you can't get a job. So MORE school??? Or start at level zero somewhere and just take the years to at least get paid and work your way Up Up Up??

Starting tomorrow
I am going to be more selfish. More selfish with my time, energy and thoughts. I'm going to continue to know who I am and although I may not know at this time What I Want, I will love my life and the unknown future. I will try and help my children see the world through my eyes, their own and others. I will love my neighbours and help those in need. I am not going to give into my fears because a life filled with fear is full of emptiness. I will work towards having a  DREAM again, because a life without a DREAM is no life for me...... or YOU.


Rachael said...

Glad to read your blogging again. Beautiful, Alexandra! Life is a journey and you are being watched over.

Anonymous said...

I am so proud of you!! And so lucky to be your friend!! Think of how RICH your lives are already, with all the experience you and your kids have gained... living in Winnipeg, Cayman, Nova Scotia and now BC!! Living through happy times, sad times, scary times, crazy times... and through it all to see and learn the strength of the relationships within your family. You may not be rich financially (yet :), but so what. Those kinds of riches can be lost in an instant, through a tsunami, through an ecological disaster. What you, Ryan, Silver and Trinity have gained through all your adventures, can never be taken from you. You are richer than most people will ever be. And I truly believe that the dreams that you and Ryan have had on your hearts... that those dreams were from God... and even if they maybe haven't played out in the exact ways that you had planned... God's had other plans and experiences in store for you... to lead your dreams to even greater places than you could ever imagine. Just keep holding on... like you have until now. God's got it all planned out, and he's got good things, great things in store!! Excited for this new leg of your journey!! :) Love you!!

Anonymous said...

Though I haven't moved around from city to city, I identify with what you are saying.
For me it's the passage of time that's marking my perceived failures, or my lack of substantial success. And plugging away at my dreams for over a decade with out tangible growth is draining. There's a lot of self-doubt. Were our decisions the right ones? They were the best at the moment, but now - what do we have to show for that?
I can't get myself started really. It's a big black hole which I could easily get swallowed up by. (Though I'm finding it necessary to talk about before it I burst!)
Is it our age? A phase of life? Whatever it is, I do not like it Sam-I-Am.